Wednesday 29 May 2013

S.H.I.E.L.D after action report, by Carine Rommes

Hey everyone, I've got a treat for avengers fans: A source in S.H.I.E.L.D* has leaked this report, which will give you some idea of what superhero's get up to when they're not saving the world.....

*This is an innocent and well meant piece of humorous fan fiction - since Disney, with their terrifying lawyers, has bought Marvel we thought we should get that clear up front. We own none of this, although we wish we did.....

 
Image courtesy of Marvel.


S.H.I.E.L.D. Report AV.25376.22.8.12

Concerning the incident on the 22.08.2012 at around 4.30pm at the Super-whale-market in New York

Report written by Agent C.R. Omes in accordance with reports from several eyewitnesses at said location as well as the testimonials from the agents concerned, Cpt. Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) and Thor Odinson.

At around 3.45pm on Wednesday the 22.08.2012 the Avengers Cpt. Steve Rogers and Thor Odinson were sent by Anthony Stark to the Super-whale-market in order to buy food, decorations and other things which were apparently intended for an upcoming festivity planned at Stark Tower, entitled “Avengers! Yeah us! Party on!”. It seems however that this might have been part of an elaborate prank by Mr Stark[1], considering that the list contained such items as:

-          A wireless cable

-          Vegetarian friendly chicken burger

-          Dehydrated water

-          O2 free air

-          5ft of fallopian tubes

-          Freddie Mercury’s newest single

-          An MP5 player

-          A flux capacitor

-          Bajoran Jumja Tea

-          5 microgram of Swiss cheese

-          3 Tobaloogas (medium, mint condition, non-dextral)

The Avengers entered the market at around 4pm and proceeded to the nearest shop selling decoration, where they came to realise that Mr Stark’s list provided no help as to what exactly they were supposed to buy, listing only “decoration (not pink!)” as an instruction. According to eyewitnesses, Mr Odinson then proceeded to put every item within reach into the shopping cart. When he entered the part of the shop reserved for Halloween decorations and costumes, according to one witness, “all hell broke loose”. It started off harmlessly enough with Mr Odinson’s discovery of a plastic helmet, which he put on, declaring it “a headgear fit for the son of Odin”. It must have been at that moment that he also discovered several figures dressed as various demons and other monsters, which he then proceeded to smash into tiny pieces, frightening several customers and staff members, one of which has so far refused to come down from his position on the small roof atop the “little princess” castle where he has taken refuge.

Trying to minimise the damage, Cpt. Rogers proceeded to direct his colleague out of the shop while leaving large amounts of money[2] to pay for the damage.

They spent the next ca. 20 minutes fruitlessly looking for the items on their shopping list, before deciding to split up again. Cpt. Rogers ventured into the electronic department where a clever salesman managed[3] to sell him a washing machine, 2 tumble dryers, half a dozen microwaves and a TV as well as two MP3 players (which according to him can be combined to form an MP6 player, which is by far superior to an MP5 player), before the Captain somehow managed to make an espresso machine explode[4].

Meanwhile, after having purchased enough meat to feed half the State, Mr Odinson had also ventured into the electronic department. Had the TVs not all been set to Channel 20, which was at that time broadcasting an emission titled “Supervillains today”, which meant that at the exact moment when Mr Odinson was passing by, pictures of Dr. Doom and Loki laughing menacingly were shown, then the TVs might have survived. As it were, Mr Odinson attacked (and successfully destroyed) all TVs on show to cries of “Show yourself, villain!” and “I shall free you, brother, fear not!”[5].

At this point one staff member decided to set off the fire alarm and evacuate the building.

By the time the police and fire brigade had arrived, S.H.I.E.L.D. agents had already managed to usher the two Avengers away and had started interrogating eyewitnesses. In order to protect the team’s reputation it is suggested to try and keep this story out of the news.




[1] Especially since Mr Stark then proceeded to take a spontaneous trip to Europe from which he does not intend to return any time soon, according to his A.I.
[2] Obscenely huge amounts to be precise. I suggest that someone takes the time to sit down with him and carefully explain to him what today’s money is worth.
[3] Probably after a look at the shopping list
[4] Our technicians are onto it, but so far their theories involve either Gremlins or Loki
[5] We might need to look into Mr Odinson’s priorities. I cannot help but wonder what it will take to persuade him that Mr Laufeyson does indeed fight for the other side

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